My father's deep, slow voice traveled up the stairs to rouse my sister and me from our beds. "Girls, I'm very worried," he said. What an understatement. This was the beginning of a journey that changed our family forever. I was 15, and my mother had died in her sleep, without warning.
No pathway to such a loss is "better" than any other. Had my mother suffered a long, wasting illness, I would have had time to prepare for her death but suffered the trauma of seeing her lose her strength and abilities. This way, she was spared a lot of doctor and hospital visits, with their attendant indignities. However, the shock to her survivors -- especially my father, then 51-- was heart-wrenching.
Suddenly, instead of planning Christmas and our summer vacation, my family had to plan a funeral, deal with the many people who wanted to help, manage our own separate griefs, and try to pull ourselves together.
We did get through this experience, although in retrospect there were some things I would have done differently. From my adult perspective, I can now see that we all might have benefited from talking more about our emotions, trying to accept and understand that each of us was processing the loss in different ways. We might have been more accepting of help from people who wanted to give it, instead of trying to be too self-reliant too quickly. We might even have benefited from spending a few sessions with a counselor who could help us reach a new understanding of ourselves as a family.
At mid-life, the threat of loss seems more real, as we begin to lose people we thought of as our contemporaries, often to illnesses that once seemed the far-off province of older generations.
Today, the grieving process is better understood than it was decades ago. Here are some ideas experts recommend to start the healing process.
- Take care of yourself. This includes simple things like getting enough sleep, exercise, and good food -- and seeking help from a doctor if you are having trouble staying healthy.
- Embrace your emotions. It's OK to be angry at the person who died, blame yourself for the loss, or feel deep regret for unhappy times in the past. Try naming your feelings; tell yourself "I feel anxious (sad, angry, regretful)," and give yourself a few minutes to experience each one. Many people find it helpful to write down their feelings in a journal.
- Know that you will never have all the answers. "Why?" is the most common question people ask when a good person dies, and there is often no good way to answer it.
- Take part in ceremonies. Even though rituals such as funerals and memorial services are difficult, the pain can be a means for healing, a chance for others to express concern for you and share your sadness and loss. Good ceremonies provide a way to say goodbye and point us toward renewal and hope.
- Be honest with children about what happened. Let their other caregivers know what has happened, and be prepared for their emotions to emerge in unexpected ways. Most experts advise that you let children attend and participate in funeral services.
- Anticipate difficult days. Many people find that they have special difficulty on their loved one's birthday, the anniversary of his or her death, or on holidays that were special to that person. There is no one way to deal with these days. For years, I found that it worked best to schedule a lot of activities on the day my mother died, so that I wouldn't think about the anniversary. These days, I'm more likely to give myself a little extra time alone.
- Let people support you. It may feel good to withdraw from the world for a little while, but you will be healthier and happier if you accept invitations, attend religious services, and gradually take up parts of the life you had before the loss.
- Find others who understand. Religious organizations, hospices, and health care organizations often sponsor grief and loss support groups. Your funeral director may be able to refer you as well.
- Explore your faith. It's normal to have big questions in the wake of an unexpected loss. Reading, prayer, community worship, and conversation with thoughtful people can be of help. Supporting people in times of grief is a major ministry of many religious groups -- don't hesitate to share your experience and seek help.
- Understand that you've been through something life-shattering. There is no shame in needing extra help -- from a physician, member of the clergy, or therapist -- to make sense of your experience and rebuild your life.
Given a choice, I would have preferred not to lose such an important person at such a tender age. Yet losing her was not without its positive side. I'm grateful for the parent I have left and mindful of everything my dad has given me. Because of my early loss, I'm sometimes able to be of real help to others who are grieving, and that feels very good indeed.
As I grow older, I find that my mother has never truly left me. I sing a bit of a song she taught me as I put in the laundry. I win Scrabble games because of all the times she and I bonded over a board full of letters. Because of her, I appreciate and admire smart, creative women, and treasure my friendships with them. Most of all, I know that because I survived losing her, I can survive anything.
